Food Review: Awesome Awadh

Had it not been for the name, this eatery would have been just another stall on Sahar Road, but Awesome Awadh is meant to be the first Lucknowi food joint in Andheri East. The owner, Asad, has a day job – but running a restaurant is in his blood. His family owns a popular one in Lucknow, from which Asad has brought in his staff.

With kakori kababs not on offer (they’re just softer seekh kababs, I’m told), the chefs at Awesome Awadh let you have half portions of dishes if you want to try everything. The galawati kababs have more masala than they should, to make them last longer because it’s only in Lucknow where kababs get sold like vada pavs in Mumbai. The shammi kababs are made of chicken and are free of animal fat here at Awesome Awadh.

The khada masala is cooked beforehand, making the biryani too dry for my liking, and at Awesome Awadh you get a bowl of korma with it, which is also an excuse to call for their Mughlai paratha. You can also have one of the curries, which aren’t typical Mumbai fare, or settle for a spicy chicken/mutton stew.

Awesome Awadh is at Koldongari on Sahar Road in Andheri East.

Phone: 90044 08954 or 90044 08914

Food – Decent

Ambience – Simple

Service – Enthusiastic

Value For Money – Yes

KAKORI HOUSE | JAFFERBHAI’S DELHI DARBAR | BOSTAN | NORTHERN TADKA | NH-1 | CAFE MAILOO | ALFREDO’S | SPIRIT KITCHEN & BAR | SERNYAA | PUNJABI RASOI

Movie Review: Lalit Marathe’s Shabri (2011)

Shabri is a painfully dull and shallow film that fails to engage on any level

Zakir Hussain is the only actor in Shabri whose presence can give the viewer some respite, but what he and the guy who will forever be remembered as Ghajini are doing in this painfully dull movie is something even they might not be able to answer. Lalit Marathe tries very hard to recreate the magic of RGV’s gangster flicks, but there is only one RGV, and there is zero hope for Shabri.

Neither do you feel anything for Shabri nor does her coldness intrigue you, and the other characters are limp and lifeless like the story. The premise sounds exciting, no doubt – Mumbai’s first woman gangster, but the lady ain’t no Satya (or Bhiku Mhatre, if there can be another one), and Shabri is bogged down by the shallow plot and the director shoving close-ups of the actors in your face to make you feel their… whatever they’re feeling.

The screenplay is frustrating, the dialogues have been written thoughtlessly, the acting is directionless, and the twists are laughable.

A drunk cop shoving a rod up a boy’s ass or a matka king ripping an errant subordinate’s ear off with a supari cutter won’t excite anyone in 2011. These things don’t shock anyone when they’re inserted in a movie so low on substance.

Isha Koppikar (or however she spells her name now) barks at people when she’s not expressionless. She is Shabri: an uncouth, gun-toting woman in a tattered saree – a character so ghati unappealing that even RGV might not get turned on by her. Shiney Ahuja might like her, but he’ll lose the erection when this bai lifts her saree and points the gun at him and growls, “Mai tereko boli thi!”

I feel terrible for the filmmaker because this movie should have been released and forgotten when it was made, because multiplex goers won’t want to touch Shabri, and she would’ve stood a better chance with single-screen audiences had they not been gearing up for Salman Khan’s next atrocity.

RATING: 1/5

REVIEWS: Not A Love Story | Shaitan | Paanch | Company | Satya | Rann

Beer Review: Foster’s Draught

Foster’s Draught comes in a plastic bottle, which is disrespectful to beer, but this draught doesn’t deserve respect anyway, and the 1 liter bottle only makes things convenient for people. The drink is much better than Foster’s lager – it has a cleaner taste and nothing else. Not too bad.

RATING: 2.5/5

Foster’s Lager | Kingfisher Mild | KF Draught Can | KF Draught (Tap) | The Best Beers In India

All Jains Are Poseurs

With paryushan coming up this week, it only seems right to let my Jain relatives know how shit really is. Okay, let’s do this without abusive language because I don’t want people fainting during their eight-day fasts.

I’ll address two points here, both related to diet. Jainism forbids the consumption of onions, garlic and potatoes.

Potatoes and other root plants, according to Jain websites, have millions of bacteria, and small insects are killed during the harvest of these plants. But has any Jain ever stopped to think how we get milk and dairy products? A cow is kept in captivity all its life in a tabela for its milk which another species wants to ingest. Even calves stop drinking their mother’s milk after a point, but we humans don’t understand that it’s unnatural to drink the milk of other animals. Being milked regularly, by the way, drastically decreases the lifespan of the cow, which is worse for your karma than eating a plate of French fries, don’t you think? Think about it the next time you reach out for a glass of buttermilk.

Onions and garlic are avoided because they inflame the passion, or to put it simply, increase sexual desire. In that case, Jains should avoid movies, music and television and even books and newspapers, because these will make them hornier than anything they eat will. Hell, stop looking at attractive people too.

Now before anyone tries to defend their stance with lame points, here’s the thing: If you eat onions or garlic or potatoes, you’re not a true Jain, because you’re breaking the rules that best set you apart from the rest of the world, so don’t bother trying to justify the other choices that were made for you before you could start thinking for yourself.

And if you drink milk or consume any dairy product, you’re a participant in a practice much crueler than eating bhelpuri the way normal people eat it – with kanda, bataka ane lasan ni chutney.

So you’re not a true Jain if you eat onions, garlic or potatoes, and it has just been proved that true Jainism isn’t all that cruelty-free either, which means you’re all poseurs. Happy paryushan.

The Quoted Tongue #9

                                       A beer in hand is worth two in the fridge.

Beer Review: Fuller’s London Porter

From the pint, Fuller’s London Porter smells like fantastic dark chocolate. Poured into a glass, the smell isn’t as dense, but the chocolate shows up in the taste, with a hint of coffee. No head, and lacing that looks like a black metal band’s logo. The bitterness comes first, followed by a sugary taste. Wonderfully smooth, this reddish brown ale is creamy despite being thinner than expected. Fuller’s London Porter is the first porter to come to our nation, so let’s give it the welcome it deserves, and here’s hoping our country gets to drink many more great beers. Chocolate fans are going to love this.

RATING: 4/5

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Bombay Times Joins The Stupidity Race

Bombay Times has joined the stupidity race with an important-sounding article on why self-help books should be avoided and how they cause problems.

For those who don’t know, reading online about the correct way to do pushups is also self-help, buying a book on urine therapy (which doctors won’t tell you about) is also self-help, most holy books are ‘self-help’ material in the guise of spiritual stuff, and even Bombay Times’ article on how self-help books can harm you is ‘self-help’.

Considering how you people swallow everything that’s fed to you, here’s some basic information: Nobody comes into this world knowing anything… we learn as we live, absorbing knowledge, information and wisdom from things around us. School, parents, television, movies, nature and yes, books. If you use the information incorrectly, it’s your fault.

Many of you get a clearer picture of things by reading this blog – so, if you google this blog’s name and come here and get cool information, that’s ‘self-help’.

Some people have obviously been reading the wrong stuff; let me suggest a few self-help books that will change your life completely: Dr Wayne W Dyer’s Pulling Your Own Strings, Anton Szandor LaVey’s The Satanic Bible, Dr Wayne W Dyer’s Your Erroneous Zones, and Eckhart Tolle’s The Power Of Now.

The editor of Bombay Times should have known better than to publish the write-up next to two self-help articles (‘Purge Your Friend List’ and ‘Watch Your Tongue’.)

Also, it may come as a shock to some of you, but the Christian bible instructs scared sheep on how to live, which makes it a self-help book, and it’s a pretty fucking useless one.

STUPIDITY SCORE: Bombay Times -1 | Mid Day – 2 | Mumbai Mirror – 1

RELATED LINKS:

Times Crest Writes About People Who Don’t Believe In God

Mid Day Proves Itself To Be A Cheap Tabloid

Mumbai Mirror On Gandhi-Hitler

The World Needs A Hero (And Anna Hazare Is Not One)

The world needs a hero, and he who claims to fight for what seems right or seems ready to martyr himself for what is taken as a moral cause is exalted and seated on the throne of heroism. In a country where people have done nothing to improve their quality of life, a nation built on greed and corruption, a land whose people think patriotism is standing up for the national anthem before movies are screened, an old, bald prick who claims he wants to end corruption and free India all over again is being hailed as some kind of a messiah.

You fucking poseurs, you don’t even know what all the fucking commotion is about, but you’re up in arms because you heard the word ‘corruption’.

It’s not the government officials who are corrupt – they can accept a bribe only when we offer it to them. And if they ask us for it, we can exercise the option of showing them a middle finger and walking away.

Now, me – I’ve been caught by cops at a nakabandi for riding a motorcycle after having two drinks. I spent a fair amount of time trying to bribe my way out of it, and then I spent the time on the way to the police station wondering why I, of all the people, had to be stopped by an honest police officer.

Your Anna Hazare is a toothless cocksucker. Anyone who fasts as a form of protest (even children don’t do that nowadays) and sulks and refuses to come out of jail (stop laughing, that’s what he’s doing) is setting a terrible example. Fasting and sulking are not the ways to get the government to bow to your demands, no matter how noble the cause you’re fighting for is.

Neither can you achieve anything by turning all the lights in your house off. Fuck, that’s called preserving electricity and saving money. Fuck, I can’t believe how dumb you people are.

Corruption may be is a terrible thing and we all know that, but the next time I’m caught on the wrong foot by cops; it could be for anything – rolling a joint for my brother, drinking beer on the road or fucking a chick in a movie hall – I will try to bribe my way out of it.

You bastards who have a problem with corruption… the next time you’re stopped by a traffic cop for breaking a signal, pay the full fine or part with your fucking license instead of slipping him a 100-buck note. Fucking poseurs.

ALSO READ: Gandhigiri Is Chutiyagiri

MOVIE: Not A Love Story Review

Food Review: Konkan Swad

A lot smaller than what it looks like from the outside, Konkan Swad is a tiny air-conditioned eatery, and one of the many no-frills restaurants that become popular in their respective areas for serving only one cuisine and thalis. Seafood dishes outnumbering chicken and mutton preparations on the menu, Konkan Swad has several varieties of fish, some of which you may not have heard of before. Everything from sol kadi to shark can be had at this Konkani joint on Goregaon/Malad Link Road, even though this is no fine dining experience and can cause an upset tummy if fate sends you there on a wrong day. Getting to taste different gravies, curries and fried items at inexpensive rates is never a bad thing, especially with a vada (round bread that looks like a puri but is much thicker), but this is basic fare that you get at most gomantak eateries and nothing like what you’d get at a Konkani home.

ALSO SEE: Malvani Aswad (Parle East)

Gandhigiri Is A Failed Concept

BALD, OLD MOTHERFUCKER

What exactly the government’s problem with Anna Hazare wanting to fast is hard to understand, especially now that it is becoming clearer that he’s doing it all for publicity and doesn’t care all that much about eradicating corruption.

Gandhigiri is a concept that failed the moment it came into being. Keeping your head bowed before your oppressors, turning the other cheek – hey, if I slapped somebody and they showed me the other cheek, I would slap them again.

Gandhi himself was a dull guy who wrote the most boring book ever, so it would do people good to stop hailing him as some kind of a hero, because he wasn’t one. He was just a very nice guy, but we’ve all been nice guys at some point, and don’t we know what happens to nice guys? They get fucked over.

Here’s an example: When the Sri Ram Sene invaded a Mangalore pub and harassed the youngsters there, the dumbfucks of our country launched a ‘pink chaddi campaign’. The girls sent pink underwear to the Sene chief Pramod Mathalik, but apart from getting nationwide coverage, the campaign didn’t do anything. Oh yeah, it made the girls feel important.

FUCKING DICKHEAD

Now imagine the members of Sri Ram Sene surrounded by several pissed-off youngsters and getting the thrashing of a lifetime. Does that sound more effective?

Candlelight vigils, signing online petitions, protest marches, sending pink panties to extremists – none of these Gandhian tactics have ever worked… or to put it another way, they have never worked.

When a child is sulking because it wants to, you let it sit in the corner and sulk.

On this Independence Day, India should start freeing itself of empty vessels like Anna Hazare and Baba Ramdev. Let the motherfuckers fast for as long as they want can and get coverage till the media and the public are bored of them, because the moment they’re told they can go ahead and fast is when you’ll see them gulp.

READ: Adolf Hitler Was Cooler Than Mohandas Gandhi

READ: India’s Republic Day

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