Songs I Hate – 1

Of course you’ve heard music that makes you want to shoot the artist dead, here’s some songs that make me cringe and slap people who put on this shit expecting to please me. In no particular order because they all suck.

Teenager In Love – Red Hot Chili Peppers

The favourite band of pseudo-intellectual yuppies, RHCP have made some fantastic music for most of their career. I had a tiny bit of respect for them because they kicked my brown ass with songs like “Give It Away” and “Under The Bridge”. Till I joined a stupid advertising firm where one almost-fat idiot would play Teenager In Love. This chubby boy played that song twice a day for all of the nine days I was there, and RHCP is responsible in a big way for making me walk out of that place, never to return. “Teenager In Love” sounds like a happy “Last Kiss”, the only difference being Last Kiss is a good song. I bet Red Hot Chili Peppers started to suck after most of them went clean, which goes to show that crazy rockers should remain crazy and never sober up. Want another example? Listen to the stupid chorus on Snow, just pay attention to what Anthony Keidis is singing there. Go back to wearing socks on stage, Tony, even though I don’t care about seeing you or any of your cheese-ass bandmates in the buff. Your new music is not my aeroplane.

Stand Up For Your Right – Bob Marley

Don’t tell me any of you take this guy seriously. A stoner hippie who played the same reggae chords over and over again, and that awful chorus on “Buffalo Soldier”. For some time I liked “Legalize It”, but even that started sounding lame when I figured toking was the only thing Bob Marley was passionate about. “Stand Up For Your Right”, my ass. If Bob had half a brain, he would’ve got that wound on his leg treated instead of lying down and smoking spliffs and eventually dying of gangrene. Anyway, if that hadn’t happened, the sheriff would’ve shot him.

Jiya Se Jiya – A R Rahman

I can’t complain about the music here, Rahman has a way with beats and tunes but he should give up trying to become a vocalist. The most painfully annoying voice around is not a good topping for very good music. Right from the moment “Jiya Se Jiya” begins, I want to assassinate A R Rahman. I don’t care how many international awards he picks up (whether he deserves them or not is another thing), Allah Rakha Rahman should quit trying to push himself as a singer. Does anyone remember that terrible rendition of “Vande Mataram”? I still can’t get over how poorly he did it.

Just An Illusion – Imagination

When your infant refuses to sleep at night, just put this on and you’ll be lulling it into a fucking coma. I’ve heard this plenty of times at Toto’s Garage, and every time it has made me want to throw my overpriced beer on someone. The chorus gets repeated around 50 times in the song and I when I close my eyes in that drunk state, I can only think of ten fat, black chicks with permed hair singing like buffaloes in unison. For the longest time, I thought this was INXS at their creative worst, but then I found out “Just An Illusion” is by Imagination. Guess what the band lacks?

I Will Survive – Gloria Gaynor

The most famous and the worst heartbreak song ever. Every chick who’s had her heart newly broken, and even some guys who got rejected by the college hottie will be moving to this shit after a few pegs. I really don’t mind hot women gyrating to “I Will Survive” or anything else, but ugly, fat chicks grooving to this track seems fitting. Had Gloria Gaynor taken a good look in the mirror before heading to that nightclub, she wouldn’t have had to sing this crap.

There are plenty of bad songs around, these are just the ones that have been pissing me off in recent times. I’m sick of writing this shit, and by the time this gets published, I’ll have watched Z Machine live at The Blue Frog and will have killed the neighbourhood with Last Days Of Humanity. Noise!

5 Indian Alpha Males You Should Know About

Yesterday was International Men’s Day, and that’s when this list would’ve been published had not the manliest and most alpha male of them all been busy razing a shitty Italian restaurant to the ground. Here’s the other four Indian alpha males you must know about, and I’ll get the obvious out of the way first.

Ram Gopal Varma

Laugh all you want, RGV has made the most kickass movies and continues to do so without giving a shit about what any of you think. When his superhit film Satya finished its terrific run at the box office, someone from the underworld called and threatened to fuck all the cinema hall owners off if they stopped screening the greatest Hindi movie ever made and showed anything lesser in its place. Ram Gopal Varma drinks, lifts weights, works with Amitabh Bachchan, has made Satya, Company, Shiva, Sarkar and Raat, and from what I hear, bangs a different hot chick everyday. MAN.

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Amitabh Bachchan

If there’s anybody who claims to have never heard of this man, please crawl out of your mother’s womb, I say. As if playing the ‘hero’ and ‘anti-hero’ in countless Hindi movies wasn’t enough, this superior male still crushes every other person alive by just being himself. Continues to send ALL the other male movie stars flying and still makes countless women across the world cream their panties. The only man alive who can pip everyone from James Bond to James Hetfield. Here’s a line from RGV’s masterpiece Satya, which is very similar to what any Indian will tell you if you are a male who happens to be displaying aggression. “Ay, Amitabh Bachchan.” MAN.

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Emile Jerome Mathew

Remember the guy who killed Neeraj Grover and cut his body in 300 pieces? Emile Jerome Mathew represents the modern caveman who won’t take shit from inferior males. EJM flew down from wherever the fuck he was as he suspected Neeraj Grover of trying to get into EJM’s girlfriend Maria Susairaj’s pants, which she seemed eager to jump out of anyway. So EJM barged into Maria’s flat, where a naked Neeraj Grover shat his pants (which he wasn’t wearing then). Navy Officer Emile Jerome Mathew stabbed the living crap out of Neeraj Grover, fucked his girlfriend TWICE, and then chopped Grover’s corpse into 300 neat little bits. You may call it cold-blooded murder, I call it honour killing. MAN.

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Tiger Memon

Portrayed brilliantly by Pavan Malhotra in Anurag Kashyap’s Black Friday, Ibrahim Abdul Razak Memon isn’t known as Tigerbhai for nothing. Pissed off at Hindu faggots for tormenting Muslims and setting his shop on fire  during the anti-Muslim riots in 1992, Tiger Memon screamed, “Aakha Mahim jala dalega main!”, but ended up burning a lot more than Mahim with his rage. Here’s to Tigerbhai, the MAN who makes the bus-burning, pebble-throwing Shiv Sainiks and MNS ghaatis look like little girls in frocks. Till ’93, it’d be laughable to think anyone could knock Dawood Ibrahim off the ‘most wanted’ lists, but Tiger Memon raced ahead of him by ass-fucking India and fingering the rest of the world by rocking Bombay with a few explosions. “Inshallah, iss saal dhamaka hoga!” MAN.

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As for the 5^th and most alpha of all males, man among men, king of all kings, father of my nation, I was bragging endlessly about myself as usual to a friend and told her that even International Men’s Day happens to fall on my birthday. She was quick to point out that November 19^th is also World Toilet Day.

LIST: Indian Musicians You Didn’t Know Were Vegan