Food Review: Kakori House

Kakori House is a restaurant chain that claims to have the secret recipe of the kakori kebab, which was prepared for a royal who lost his teeth while playing a sport. Such was his craving for meat, that his cooks invented a recipe for kebabs so soft that the ruler would be able to enjoy meat without having to wear dentures, which probably hadn’t been invented then. You know whose mom necessity is.

So we go straight for the kakori kebabs, which turn out to be the softest kababs (it reads better spelled this way) ever. So delicate and tasty that you don’t want to have them with the green chutney that has jeera in it. It is impossible to chew them – they can’t even be lifted off the plate as whole pieces. The mutton galawati kebabs are round and they taste exactly like the kakori kebabs, but all this special stuff is overpriced or too little in quantity, depending on how you choose to see it.

Next up is lagan ki boti – boneless mutton pieces in a curry which isn’t really there. The taste of the spices used here will stay with you till the end of the day and perhaps make you go back to Kakori House to try the other Awadhi dishes. It was a mistake having this almost-dry dish with roomali rotis. The haleem and warqi parathas look very nice but there is nothing about the haleem (mutton paste) which makes it stand out. Warqi parathas are cooked on an ulta tava and are thin and yellow. Maybe all this authentic lucknowi food would taste a lot better in Lucknow.

The dum gosht lucknowi biryani, which the manager claims everyone comes to Kakori House for, sucks. It is completely dry and devoid of flavour. There are about four mutton pieces in it, but neither that nor the unexciting raita can make up for the boring biryani. The manager then comes back and tells us everything on the menu is made from secret recipes that are known only to the owner and his wife. They should make sure the biryani recipe remains a secret.

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The Worst Italian Food In Mumbai

There are some places you should never go to even if you’re starving, and I’m going to put Penne right on top of that list. It’s not like I haven’t had bad dining experiences before but Penne in Juhu wins the first prize for the worst dining experience a bunch of humans have ever had together. Sorry, maybe I’m exaggerating, but there’s no denying that Penne in Juhu serves the worst Italian food in Mumbai.

On being seated at our table, we were asked if we wanted regular water or preferred packaged stuff, and then a waiter announced they don’t serve “regular water” and got us a bottle of Himalayan mineral water. The rest of my family is vegetarian, so we called for some ghaas-poos and what followed was the poorest eating experience we could’ve asked for.

Penne serves grossly overpriced tasteless food which will neither fill your stomach nor thrill your tastebuds, and with the way they’ve priced things everything can rightfully be called poor.

The Balsamic Mushrooms (290/-) were okay, the Minestrone (250/-) was not happening, the Mediterranean Cottage Cheese (550/-) was lifeless. My brother looked heartbroken when his Penne Vodka (490/-) arrived, and we were as disappointed by the tasteless food as by the tiny portions.

Now I understand some food is meant to be bland, but we’ve all eaten Italian food before and have enjoyed it. My brother tried to drown his Penne Vodka in Tabasco, and my cousin too expressed her disgust on finding every single thing we called for lacking in character. Meanwhile, the staff was just being snooty and were plying us with Himalayan mineral water (85/-) and I nearly tossed a spoonful of Moussaka (550/-) at a bored looking waiter. The only edible food item was the curry that came with the vegetarian Couscous, and Penne should serve that as soup, considering they fool patrons anyway.

Penne in Juhu is the first restaurant in Mumbai that refused to serve me regular drinking water, and I think anyone who makes noises about putting a glass of water in front of you and is thinking of making some ridiculous profit right there isn’t fit to serve anyone food. And it does reflect in the extremely low quality of food Penne serves. When the prices are steep, the food should be okay at least, but it wasn’t even that. Penne has absolutely nothing going for it because even the music they play is shit.

I was eager to try Couscous (550/-), and am not sure whether it’s still the restaurant that’s got it wrong or if it’s meant to taste that bad. I am now eager to piss all over a plate of Couscous and show the staff and management of Penne some real mineral water.

If you’re wondering why shitholes like Penne get rave reviews, it’s because when people spend a few thousand bucks on something shitty, they might not like to admit it was a total waste.

If there’s someone you don’t like and need to get back at, please recommend Penne to them as the ultimate place for Italian cuisine. I am never going to forgive my parents for taking me to Penne in Juhu.