Grilled & Killed: Rohit ‘P-Man’ Pereira

What better way to end 2010 than by having P-Man squat on it? Host of The P-Man Show, bassist of Shaa’ir + Func and Exhumation, and the frontman of Khiladi – Rohit ‘P-Man’ Pereira talks about making breakfast for groupies, having a threesome all by himself and selling his kidney for Vidya Balan!

Photo credit: Roycin D'souza

Want to tell the new world about your Pin Drop Violence days?

I was one of the founding members and played bass and wrote songs for Pin Drop Violence, we kicked ass for some 7 years, played all over the country and one killer gig in Dubai, put out 2 albums and a single and a VCD. And like all other good things, came to an end.

What made you quit meat and alcohol?

I din quit meat, just cut down the red meat. Health reasons. Must lose weight. Alcohol I quit coz I cannot handle the hangovers and I am quite nasty when I am drunk. So for the sake of still having friends, I choose not to drink. Plus I have saved a lotta money : )

How do Shaa’ir + Func tolerate you?

That’s an interesting question. Func aka Randolph and Shaa’ir aka Monica are still teenagers at heart, so the masti is coupled up from there. But I do tick Monica off from time to time with my inappropriate blurting out from the mouth. And I love the name she has given me – Mr. Inappropriate. Coming back to the question, yes, they have tolerated me so far, except this one time at a gig in Kolkata recently, some Bangla channel was doing an interview with S+F, and they made the mistake of having me there too. I was super amused by the host, and here is Monica and Randolph giving serious answers about the music and the scene, and my answers were – “I have come here to eat your food and fuck your women” and “I heart Bengali women who swallow” and other horribleness which made Monica get up and chase me and hit me. I plan to out run her in 2011.

Are you living up to Khiladi’s name? How many groupies have you banged so far?

Yes, Khiladi‘s music is all about jumping, headbanging, threesomes, handjobs in the library, partying etc. I jump, headbang, once had a threesome when I used both hands whilst jacking off, yet to get a HJ in the library, not so much partying now. So yeah, I think I have done around 50% of living up to Khiladi‘s name.

Groupies I have banged so far – not many – none actually. I am a shy boy. Please women, if you are reading this, come up and talk to me after a gig, I give good massages and make killer breakfast even.

How can you like a behenji like Vidya Balan? Do you want to be in a sex tape with her?

I want to be in Vidya Balan’s life in any capacity. I’d be the guy who gets her the papers in the morning to read also. I am her biggest fan from Andheri. I love her. I will leave my jaath and sell my one kidney and give her dowry too.

And yes, I want to be in a sex tape with her.

What will you take to keep your trap shut at the next Exhu show?

If the vocalist of the band grows some balls and does more than “So yeah, the next song… yeah… is about… yeah… umm… death… its umm…. among the dead.. yeah…. check it out… I love cocks in my mouth… yeah, mosh guys please…. my rep is at stake….”, I might just only play bass and not fart orally on the mike.

I do not talk like that. Bye, P-Man!

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Movie Review: Paa

“Rishte mein toh hum tumhaare Paa lagte hain.”

-by Devdutt Nawalkar

Film: “Paa” (2009)

Director: “R Balki”

Cast: “Amitabh Bachchan”, “Abhishek Bachchan”, “Vidya Balan”

Not feeling it.

Paa, and Amitabh Bachchan, have been receiving fellatio from all and sundry. Before I dig in with scalpel and fork, a few caveats. I recognize the escapist element that has always been present in Hindi film, and it would be foolish to expect an accurate rendition of life, even in a movie that is purportedly sincere about its subject. Hindi movies tend to get a free pass masquerading under the “sab chalta hai, boss!” and “public ko yahich mangta hai” sentiments. Unfortunately, this blunt resignation to mediocrity and everything that resides and excretes through its rank bowels is, in itself, an indictment of the sad plight of our movie industry, pervading even our so-called parallel scene, or what remains of it anyway, to such an extent that the delineation between mainstream and the quirky is virtually non-existent. Paa, of course, is unabashedly commercial but the pedant in me has a few bones to pick with it, and modern, mainstream Hindi cinema in general:

(1) Complete lack of subtlety, and a growing dissociation with reality.
(2) Overt pandering, in turns, to the maudlin and the saccharine.
(3) Ridiculously inept use of music.

“Told you to take it up the bum.”

Paa runs afoul on all counts and then some. Characters are routinely used as sounding boards for political or medicinal issues with an astounding lack of nuance. Picture this; a kid with a visible ailment is playing in the park. A nosy woman walks up to the kid’s mother and asks her what’s wrong with her child. A normal single mother, consumed with the cares of raising a disabled child, would shake off the busybody. Not in this case, though. Our mother, admittedly a practicing gynaecologist, proceeds to give the shrew a crash-course on the intricacies of genetics and inherited disorders. On another occasion, the ongoing degeneration of modern journalism is the debate at hand, and is resolved with the accused absolving himself in unbelievably scheming ways.

Of course, movies have every right to raise political issues. But drinking the kool-aid is much easier if administered with a modicum of homogeneity in the greater context. Instead, Paa chooses to hammer down its agenda with all the elegance of a rusty jackhammer, and at times reduces its characters to soundbite-spewing cutouts, showing a remarkable lack of appreciation for the audience’s intelligence and reasoning faculties.

Nitpicking on, another complaint I have is the tactless use of music. There is no need to suffuse every frame with it. Characters can talk with each other perfectly well without something or the other humming in the background. Music can play a pivotal role in raising the timbre of a scene to a crescendo, but only when used with a bit of insight. Paa obviously goes in for the boneheaded approach, which is in keeping with the general aesthetic of the movie.

Bollywood critics assemble to suck some cock

The story itself has been told before. Auro (Amitabh Bachchan) is a Progeria-afflicted, pampered twelve-year old with a scatological sense of humour, born out of wedlock, and raised by his mother Vidya (Vidya Balan), who has kept his existence a secret from his father Arun (Abhishek Bachchan), a hotshot, idealistic politician. Progeria is a disorder that essentially speeds up the ageing process, and drastically reduces the lifespan of its victims. Auro’s mother has ensured that he’s lived as normal a life as possible under the cirumstances. He goes to school, has a regular clique of friends (even a chick fawning over his every move), and is generally the apple of everyone’s eye. He meets his unsuspecting father through chance, and they gradually get to know each other. Of course it’s all too good to last, and you know how it’s supposed to end.

“Jaya…guess who I am?”

Abhishek Bachchan is adequate, saying things with a fuckall accent which I’m sure he feels is all hep and hiphoppy. Vidya Balan looks like a dream at times, and puts in a decent performance to boot (ooh sexist me!). But they’re merely props, human canvasses for the cynosure of all eyes, Bachchan Sr. himself, to record his flourishes on. How is he, you ask? Well….hey, the make-up’s great! He’s not unrecognizable or anything, and looks like a taller Mini-Me, but it’s a good job. As for his performance, well, it’s kind of underwhelming to be honest.

Blasphemy! Sacrilege! Confound me and all my patron saints! How the fuck could I?

Relax. First things first. Let’s get one thing out of the way. The sole purpose behind casting Bachchan in the lead role is for the movie to generate buzz, and also, hopefully, to fulfill some quaint, artistic itch (that, miraculously, seems to have come in the aftermath of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button).

“Hain saala…tum kya babe hai, maloom?”

Anyway, I hope he manages to put butts in the seat because his work here isn’t great shakes in my opinion. I know how a patient with Progeria interacts with his surroundings, and Bachchan comes nowhere close to filling out the mould. His shortcoming are evident in the minutiae; keep an eye out for his conversations with his bumchum Vishnu. His friend talks the way you would expect a twelve-year old to; speech slightly slurred, coherence, diction, and punctuation all a bit amiss. Amitabh, however, seems to have forgotten that sped-up ageing doesn’t imply precocious levels of maturity. Sure, he modulates his voice a bit, makes weird chimp-like noises, and does the silly jig where he looks like he’s washing his ass with one hand and rubbing his head with the other. But his speech is fully-formed, and pregnant with pause and expression in a way that would make an established thespian proud. The inability to convince that there truly is a child living inside a decrepit body is ultimately his biggest failing. But, the make up should be good enough to coast on, eh?

“Arey bhai Balki, I’m stuck.”

Not to mention, Auro seems to have a fascination for the human rump. He goes around pinching his grandmother’s butt, and relishes talking about “doing potty”. He gets off lightly because of his condition, but he spends fair time being an insufferable, spoiled brat. I felt bad hating him; it’s like stealing a blind beggar’s coins.

This is a longass movie, clocking in at 140 minutes. Frankly, it was a chore sitting through it. But I’m glad I did because now there’s one more flick I can call everyone’s bullshit on.

“Laudey loot.”

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