Movie Review: Cocktail (2012)

An exaggerated ass shake may have convinced you to go for the film, but Cocktail is a movie that doesn’t even start being fun. Deepika Padukone sashaying her way into nightclubs without being stopped can fool anyone into thinking they’re in for a party, and there end the good times. Veronica (Padukone, ‘Veeru-paaji’ to Saif Ali Khan) welcomes into her home and life the very desi Meera (newcomer Diana Penty), and Gautam (Khan) joins them soon enough. Having sex with Veronica, and not on very friendly terms with Meera, Gautam is played by Saif Ali Khan the way you’ve always seen him do it. Khan yet again plays the happy-go-lucky goofy yuppie who can charm the pants off most women.

Khan’s Gautam shows us that even the corniest of lines can work on the most stunning of women, while director Homi Adajania is out to show that he doesn’t know how to take the story where he wants. Cocktail moves at a tired pace, with Gautam’s mother (Dimple Kapadia) visiting her son to see the girl he has fallen for. Kapadia is the conservative mother, admonishing everyone in sight because there’s no other way such beings can be affectionate. A cross-dressed Saif Ali Khan presents fuckbuddy Deepika as a friend and the seedhi-saadi Diana Penty as his choice. The movie, which anyway wasn’t made to take cinema forward, tumbles terribly after that. The threesome go on a vacation with Dimple Kapadia, where Diana Penty and Saif Ali Khan fall for each other, and the promiscuous Deepika decides she wants to impress the old lady.

Cocktail, keeping in mind that it has no depth, should have at the very least been a breezy watch, but the writers (Imtiaz Ali and Sajid Ali) and Homi Adajania don’t know how to package melodrama. The movie rushes through the motions of every film that is made to appeal to youngsters and stretches like a bad dream during the dramatic moments. Add Pritam Chakraborty’s music to this mix and you have the soundtrack to a nightmare.

Cocktail is a concoction you should avoid unless you want to experience a three-hour hangover.

RATING: 1/5

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Tandoori Chick

As performed by Exhumation on the album For Personal Consumption Only

 

 

 

 

 

What’s today?

My lucky day

Cute chick’s lost her way

Shorts and top

Petite sex bomb

Disturbing my poor tool

Marinated then pushed

Inside the waiting tandoor

She must be eaten

Ass first

Garnished to doom

To the gaping tandoor

Rotate the skewer

Occasionally

Chick Tikka Masala

And Butter Chick

All the ladies say

I’m a Cunt Roll freak

Of the Jaljeera

I take a sip

Forcing salt and lime juice

Into the slits

Spices aplenty

Fucking tasty Indian dish

Ginger-garlic paste

Rubbed onto the clit

Marinated then pushed

Inside the waiting tandoor

She will be eaten

Ass first

Exhumation Lyrics: Eaten Alive

Exhumation Lyrics: Among The Dead (2005)

The Quoted Tongue #1

I have lost everything but my virginity.

Blurted this out sometime in 2005. It obviously doesn’t hold true anymore, I’m a complete loser now.

ALSO READ: The Quoted Tongue

The Quoted Tongue

Not sure what took me so long to start this, considering I and other cool people I know say the most amazing things. No point in the world realizing how great I am after I’d dead and gone, yeah? Yeah.

By the way, this blog has been reviewed by Saurin, please check it out here.

Why I Loved 2008

Dec 26, 2008

Some awesome things have happened in 2008, and it has been the best year of my life so far. Here’s a summary of the unbelievably cool stuff that’s been going on with me.

First of all, I had a massive break-up just before 2008 began. Even though I wept like a pussy I didn’t forego the annual trip I make to Goa every January in Anjuna. I licked a transparent drop off the back of my right palm, understood everything about myself and the universe through hallucinations and came back to whatever was left of my senses and Bombay, only to return to Goa in June. This time, it was to meet a cool hot chick with whom I danced to some trance music outside Curlie’s at Anjuna beach.

Oh, the first thing I should’ve boasted about is my death metal band Exhumation winning Unchained ’08… on February 29, that too. My share of the prize money made it slightly easier for me to fly to Bangalore to witness thrash metal legends Megadeth in action.

Also attended a couple of fashion shows and spent most of that time at the free-booze bar validating whisky cocktails. A cop took advantage of my being drunk and handed me someone else’s license after stopping me at a check-point.

Then I went to Rajasthan for a month with my best friend who is now my girlfriend also. We went to Pushkar and some beautiful remote villages located deep inside the state using a useless bike. In Pushkar, I was accosted by a pandit who started telling me about the place without my having asked for his bullshit information. Y P Pandit asked to see my hand and started chanting something. Now I find these religious sales tactics a tad silly and decided to have some fun at what should have been my expense and laughed aloud when he said I owed him 1100 bucks. What a sucker of a priest, trying to squeeze money out of me!

Over the next two days, the semi-clad pandit always managed to spot me in the crowded market and if it weren’t for his stupid grin I might have been polite to him. Still breathing just to hear that I am a Satanist, asshole? But my Bombay Hindi did the trick before that. A firm ‘Dimaag mat chaat‘ (don’t lick my mind) made him back off for good, the stupid grin still plastered across his greedy face, while I proceeded with my guitar to jam with a bald British flautist on the hotel lawn overlooking the Brahmasarovar.

On returning to Bombay, I landed the coolest job on the planet thanks to my shoelaces which were untied. I watch movies and listen to music albums and write my ruthless opinions about them. I get to praise Metallica, Guns N’ Roses and Ram Gopal Varma as much as I want and also make fun of ridiculous celebrity statements with a good amount of enthusiasm.

Oh yes, check out the irony. I’m the only Satanist on Earth who uploads Christmas carols and makes slideshows on movies to watch during this cheery festive season. Most of my friends are thoroughly amused so you too are allowed to laugh… just this once. Buzz off!

Coming soon…Not too much, though – and don’t show your teeth

MINDBLOWING DISCLAIMER

The biased views expressed in this awesome blog belong to none other than me. Who else would they belong to, jackass? My kickass opinions are NOT endorsed by my employers or organisation, mainly because no one agrees with me. Also, this blog may contain explicit language not suitable for retards.

Posted by Aditya Mehta |  { 2 } Comments

(From my Buzz18 blog “Lashkar-E-Shaitan”)

Monkey Business