Movie Review: Cocktail (2012)

An exaggerated ass shake may have convinced you to go for the film, but Cocktail is a movie that doesn’t even start being fun. Deepika Padukone sashaying her way into nightclubs without being stopped can fool anyone into thinking they’re in for a party, and there end the good times. Veronica (Padukone, ‘Veeru-paaji’ to Saif Ali Khan) welcomes into her home and life the very desi Meera (newcomer Diana Penty), and Gautam (Khan) joins them soon enough. Having sex with Veronica, and not on very friendly terms with Meera, Gautam is played by Saif Ali Khan the way you’ve always seen him do it. Khan yet again plays the happy-go-lucky goofy yuppie who can charm the pants off most women.

Khan’s Gautam shows us that even the corniest of lines can work on the most stunning of women, while director Homi Adajania is out to show that he doesn’t know how to take the story where he wants. Cocktail moves at a tired pace, with Gautam’s mother (Dimple Kapadia) visiting her son to see the girl he has fallen for. Kapadia is the conservative mother, admonishing everyone in sight because there’s no other way such beings can be affectionate. A cross-dressed Saif Ali Khan presents fuckbuddy Deepika as a friend and the seedhi-saadi Diana Penty as his choice. The movie, which anyway wasn’t made to take cinema forward, tumbles terribly after that. The threesome go on a vacation with Dimple Kapadia, where Diana Penty and Saif Ali Khan fall for each other, and the promiscuous Deepika decides she wants to impress the old lady.

Cocktail, keeping in mind that it has no depth, should have at the very least been a breezy watch, but the writers (Imtiaz Ali and Sajid Ali) and Homi Adajania don’t know how to package melodrama. The movie rushes through the motions of every film that is made to appeal to youngsters and stretches like a bad dream during the dramatic moments. Add Pritam Chakraborty’s music to this mix and you have the soundtrack to a nightmare.

Cocktail is a concoction you should avoid unless you want to experience a three-hour hangover.

RATING: 1/5

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Fishing In The Arabian Sea On A Sunday Morning At Juhu Beach

It’s quite exciting to be off the sand and in the water, especially in the morning, with two fishermen telling stories about the sea, and explaining the kind of work that goes into getting the daily catch.

We requested Gajanan Mangela and his son Manohar to let us accompany them on their morning trip that would venture into water at least 20-30 feet deep, and a hundred and fifty bucks convinced them.

The father-son duo told us how fishermen monopolize the sea and the Government does nothing about it. The Government, according to the Mangelas, no longer has time to even accept bribes. They bitched some more about corrupt politicians, as do most Indians, and the boat stopped near a flag.

Every fishing team has special flags which mark their territories for the day. Flags help the fishermen know whose net is where.

Some use fishing nets that catch even the tiniest of fish, and the practice of using such nets is wrong, according to Gajanan. Netting small fish is a harmful practice; they should be allowed to grow big enough to breed. The Mangelas (and many other fisherman) throw the smaller fish that are caught in nets back into the sea.

Two of the 10 crabs that were caught in the Mangelas’ nets. I wonder what these crustaceans think of butter, garlic and pepper.

Caught making love in the shadows! These horny crabs continued their morning romp even after getting stuck in the net.

A decent catch that made the fishermen smile for a few seconds. Sharks need water that’s free of pollutants, and that’s why big sharks stay away from our seas and there are no shark attacks.

I felt this fish’s life leave as I held it. I held it for a few seconds even after I was certain it was no longer alive.

Different forms of life inhabit different shells. Not usually eaten, these creatures grow in size with the shells they dwell in.

This is what they call ‘lice of the sea’. This insect sucks the blood of fish and that’s all it ever does.

And it’s back to the shore after more than an hour of being on the boat. Sea life has greatly decreased and the number of fishermen has gone up, moans the senior Mangela, despite having caught lots of fish, shrimps, prawns and crabs. No lobsters, he complains.

But they want us to join them on the fishing expedition on Holi on their 10-horsepower boat, which is bigger than this 2hp motorboat. And it’s also the season for the dolphins to visit us, they tell us as we shake hands and thank them.

Bloggy Style ’10

The blog’s been spewing venom all of 2010 and it needs to be sent on a vacation. A whole year of straightening sluts, quitting whisky, unfriending wussies, sodomizing women, writing badass lyrics and blasting out over 300 high-quality posts that caused tremors from Powai to Hawaii – yeah, it needs to go somewhere.

For those unhappy about why their music/book/restaurant has not been written about here… well, considering you people don’t react to even the stronger (more extreme) posts here, and are too kanjoos to leave a comment and out yourself as one of the many people who read this blog irreligiously – there really is no obligation on this blog to acknowledge your excretions, is there?

As 2011 spreads its legs wide open for me, here’s a preview of next year’s highlights: the release of my band’s 3^rd album, the publishing of my collection of short stories, the reviewing of every beer from Belgaum to Belgium, and… why kill the suspense and spoil your fun? All you need to dread is what all of the above will do to the blog’s ego and how up the level of arrogance will go.

Here’s leaving you with a line from Ab Tak Chhappan, tweaked slightly to make it applicable to every single last one of you: Khuda tum sab ko mehfooz rakhe… mujhse.

See you sometime in 2011.

A Golden Opportunity

Lost my cell phone on the way back from Lonavala.  It was the cheapest Nokia handset available, so I’m not bothered by the loss. In fact, it’s a blessing in disguise because there’s no other way I’d be so cut off from people. Have a week to spend with myself before heading out of Bombay again for an acid trip with one of my best friends on Republic Day. The real vacation starts now!