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By Kunal Choksi
1) The Dead – Ritual Executions
The second full-length album of the Australian band The Dead is a brilliant mix of twisted, brain-warping death metal and miasmic sludgy/stoner doom. Perfectly arranged to maintain a sublime, engrossing balance, the combination of sharp, visceral hooks and massive doom trudges with remarkably groovy parts render Ritual Executions one of the most unique and fascinating albums to be released in this era. The remixing and remastering done by Aphotic Mote (Portal) specially for this Diabolical Conquest Records version makes the originally dense and suffocating Ritual Executions much more breathable but retains the rawness and underground vibe that bring The Dead to life. The modified artwork sketched by vocalist Mike Yee suitably captures the essence and horrific otherworldly feel of The Dead‘s music – only a band member could achieve that.
‘Ritual Executions’ is the first release of Diabolical Conquest Records.
Trippy video link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CRwfyrBfbU
2) Preludium – Impending Hostility
Third full length album ‘Impending Hostility’ by Polish conquerors Preludium is a direct, fierce and deadly assault on the senses. Crushing imperial might of death metal is unleashed with added spitefulness of black metal, leading to veritable total devastation. Owing allegiance to no schools, Preludium are self-trained to destroy everything in their path without discrimination. And when they are done, everything will be wiped out save for perhaps the memory of their scathing historic onslaught.
‘Impending Hostility’ comes with a full colour 8-panel booklet with awe-inspiring post-World War illustrations elaborating on the theme of the bleak and horrifying cover artwork. All the CDs are made in USA in order to achieve Diabolical Conquest‘s aim of having world class quality for its releases.
Song video link 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGt92L6ZvVM
Song video link 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Vpvf5TudKE
Song video link 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBLQg6e_P9M
3) Drug Honkey – Death Dub
Drug Honkey‘s music defies conventional categorization. The most general yet accurate description would be something like psychedelic death/doom meets early Godflesh-esque industrialisms/electronics, but it still falls short of the full scope of their music. It is even dark, trippy, sludgy, filthy, noisy, atmospheric and more. Album title ‘Death Dub’ is a tag that probably best suits their music. Being the third and latest full length album of the band, Death Dub is undoubtedly Drug Honkey‘s most accomplished and extreme effort till date. Embarking on this harsh, futuristic and darkly hallucinogenic trip of theirs is bound to alter your perceptions of extreme metal music.
Diabolical Conquest has bought remaining copies of ‘Death Dub’ from the band and taken upon itself the task of promoting it and giving it worldwide distribution.
Video link 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5yhhTyb4UeU
Video link 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CsTL-GxZb4
Video link 3 (live song recording):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jb_nNCpViQ
Super trippy video from their previous album, their most famous one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TqPYh4cewvQ
^Despite the name, that is an anti-drugs song. Lyric of that one is ((((((don’t)))))))))
Order music from and check out megatons of extreme metal reviews, interviews and a lot more on Kunal Choksi’s website Diabolical Conquest.
PUSSY OF THE YEAR
Prahlad Kakkar
WUSS
Known as an outspoken guy amongst other things, adman Prahlad Kakkar raised a few laughs during a debate at the Mumbai Film Festival by taking potshots at Abhishek Bachchan, saying he should be in the Guinness Book of Records for having given 17 flops in a row. That was a pretty cool thing to say, considering everyone knows (but nobody says) that AB Junior isn’t a very good actor, and that the women who use words like ‘suave’ and ‘dashing’ to describe him wouldn’t have given him a second look had he not been Amitabh Bachchan’s son. Anyway, Prahlad soon realized that he might have gone overboard, and apologized to a fuming Abhishek who was in no mood to listen to anything. So, get this – fearless Prahlad Kakkar says it like it is, then apologizes for speaking the truth, has his apology rejected by the Bachchans, and will henceforth be known as a wimp. It may be a while before he starts smiling again.
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MOST UNINSPIRING SONG OF THE YEAR
Commonwealth Games Theme
Rahman the composer is going down because of Rahman the singer, and 2010’s CWG theme is further proof. Not like Jai Ho deserved any awards, but it at least let us know the Oscar jury hasn’t had access to good music in a very long time. The theme song for a national event should be a rousing, pumping track that would make the lame run a marathon, but the song AR Rahman charged more than five crore rupees for is just boring.
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WORST HINDI FILM OF 2010
Khatta Meetha
Directed by trash-com king Priyadarshan and starring non-actor Akshay Kumar, Khatta Meetha is an unwatchable waste of reel that made hordes of people cover their ears and run out of movie theatres in sheer horror. What was I doing there? I was supposed to review the film but the decibel attack, unfunny jokes and general assault on my nerves made me walk out before the interval. Khatta Meetha is so unbearable that you can attack your enemies by sending them its DVD.
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MOST UNDRINKABLE BEER OF THE YEAR
Victoria Bitter and XXXX Gold
I was stupid enough to buy into the hype and buy these lagers from Living Liquidz, and as punishment I forced myself to finish them. Victoria Bitter is a real chemical attack, and XXXX Gold is just crappy. If you thought Foster’s was bad, just try drinking these putrid beers from Australia.
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MOST OBNOXIOUS WOMAN
Farah Khan
This was meant to be a Bimbette Of The Year award for Kareena Kapoor, but Saurin Parikh has been sending me death threats, so here I am picking on choreographer-director Farah Khan instead. The fat woman has something about her that’s so detestable that even an asshole like me can’t put a finger on what exactly it is. Her two films were utter rubbish that ran at the box office only because of Shahrukh Khan, and buzz is that she has run him down in her soon-to-release Tees Maar Khan. I’m not even sure why I don’t like this large person but I’ve learned to trust my instinct. I sure don’t want Tees Maar Khan to become a success (I’m a dick, but an honest one), and if the Indian Mujahideen so much as threaten to bomb theatres that screen the film, I swear I’ll take them all to The Blue Frog for the Sunday brunch.
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WORST RESTAURANT IN MUMBAI
Horn Ok Please
A dhaba-styled restaurant with a splendid setting that lured us right into the chakravyuh of waiters who demanded on seeing my business card because we wanted to take pictures of the impressive setup, Horn Ok Please gets this honour from us even though we haven’t tasted the food there. On being told they don’t serve alcohol, we excused ourselves to go to another place (our excuse: “we’re celebrating something”), and caught a ‘rick, when the chinky manager dashed towards the three-wheeler, stuck his head in and announced we’d have to go back because his boss wanted a word with us. The aggressive way in which they tried to intimidate us obviously didn’t go down well with us, even though the boss changed his tone when he realized we were going to be writing about his restaurant. We should’ve realized there’d be something wrong with a place that is empty on a Friday night despite being located on Gulmohar Road in Juhu, Vile Parle. We’re waiting for Horn Ok Please – The Great Indian Dhaba to shut down.
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FLOP SHOW OF THE YEAR
Oktoberfest
The most poorly organized event this year, Mumbai’s Oktoberfest ran out of German beer which they’d started chilling less than 30 minutes before the event finally began (two hours late), and someone tell the Indo-German Chamber Of Commerce that the last thing you offer Indians whilst introducing them to another nation’s culture and traditions is Kingfisher. And for hell’s sake, stop posting comments on my blog under different ids because I can see the IP address from here.
ALBUM OF THE YEAR
Belus
There was never any doubt that Count Grishnackh’s glorious return would steal the thunder (and the lightning) from the lesser musicians of this world, but I decided to wait till now anyway, just to give everybody a fair shot. As we sat back in our chairs with one eye closed, wondering if the new music would live up to Burzum’s legacy or even be decent black metal, Varg Vikernes forced the stars and the planets into alignment with Kaimadalthas’ Nedstigning, and illuminated the universe with Keliohesten, making countless galaxies sway to the ambience he conjured with the intoxicating Belus’ Tilbakekomst, far surpassing everything he’d created before. Whether he makes another album or not doesn’t matter; “Belus” is proof that the man who made it is the greatest black metal musician of all time.
ANTHEM OF THE YEAR
Sau Rupiya
So we always knew that Ashwin-drummer-would-have-his-revenge-on-the-Bombay-rock-scene, but who’d have thought he’d do it this way? A song that begins with the chorus, has cheeky squeals and a glass breaking before The Riot Peddlers launch into a slamming attack on an already petrified world, “Sau Rupiya” is easily the catchiest, the most fun, and the most lovable song I’ve heard all year. And with the incorrigible Rishu Singh taking charge as manager, and frontman Arun S Ravi threatening to unleash an entire collection of such songs – yes, I was just getting to that – hide your moms. The band to watch out for in 2011.
FILM OF THE YEAR
Antardwand
Yes, there actually was one film worth watching in 2010. While the corporate superstars of the Hindi film industry were conning some of us into watching “socially relevant” films, there was a movie that came along without making announcements and hit me between the eyes. The story of a man being abducted and being forced to become a bridegroom in rural India – it’s not a slapstick comedy, stop laughing – with no song-and-dance, no big names, yet complete with good screenplay and terrific performances from everyone, “Antardwand” is one of the two or three movies that were worth checking out this year.
BEER OF THE YEAR
Fuller’s London Pride and Murphy’s Irish Stout
Of all the brew available at Living Liquidz, I’m picking two drinks as the best beers I’ve had this year, because they’re both excellent, and they’re both very different from each other, and I just can’t have enough of either. Be sure to pick up a crate of Fuller’s London Pride for a session or to have with something roasted, and Murphy’s Irish Stout when you feel like sitting back with a fucking cigar. These drinks are on the expensive side, but trust me when I say they’re absolutely worth it. And just try having a Kingfisher after downing a few of these.
WOMAN OF THE YEAR
Priyanka Chopra
She’s smoking hot, and I fucking love her.
Priyanka Chopra is an actress who keeps breaking out of her comfort zone every now and then, doesn’t act in inane comedies, has a great face and a terrific bod, doesn’t talk about her private life, is not a fake vegetarian, doesn’t look like Randhir Kapoor, can be described as sweet, sexy, hot, cute, pretty, gorgeous, seems totally unaffected by the box-office outcome of her films, and she has an ass like that.
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RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR
Urban Tadka
One of my all-time favourite restaurants – Urban Tadka is the place I run to when I’m not sure where to go. The rustic setting, the homely vibe, the amazing food, the perfect service – Urban Tadka is the restaurant that I’ve frequented the most over the last three years and not once have I been disappointed in the slightest. Far from it, Urban Tadka always manages to surprise me, and is the best place for meals with friends, lunch dates, dinners with the family, and hell, I even go there all by myself just because I love being there so much. I love it so much that I’m going to write a review for it next year after a few more visits to it. In the meantime, every other dhaba-like restaurant can pack up and take my leave, thank you!
MAN OF THE YEAR
Varg Vikernes
The prince returned after more than a decade in jail to claim what was rightfully his – the throne. Count Grishnackh has proved that the purest music can come only from the purest mind, with Belus being not only the most dazzling album from his discography, but also one of the most brilliant black metal albums of all time, not to mention the greatest comeback ever. The prince of black metal is now the king of black metal, enthroned for eternity, irrespective of whether he chooses to make another album or not. Paying no attention to all the pressure on him to make some music worthy of being placed next to his Burzum classics, Varg Vikernes quietly pushed forward the most epic comeback album ever. As for 2010 being the Year Of The Tiger – may the creator of the Chinese horoscope be trapped inside a burning church – 2010 is the Year Of The Wolf. JAI SHRI GRISHNACKH!!!
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Songs I Hate – 2
Overjoyed that people are waking up to the fact that AR Rahman has been sucking cock for the past few years, I feel compelled to give you a second list of songs that lick dick. Excuse me if I don’t sound as hateful as before, I’ve been sober for far too long.
It’s My Life – Bon Jovi
As a result of having made way too much money, Jon Bon Jovi and his gang of merry men weren’t sure what kind of music to make after the splendid “Keep The Faith” album. Since Metallica were already doing a great job of turning boys into men with their alpha music, Bon Jovi started writing songs for girls. I won’t blame Richie Sambora and the others because Jon has always been the face of the band and it doesn’t look like the others had a choice but to do as Jon Bon Jovi thought best. So they wrote this shit song called “It’s My Life”, which made girls and homosexuals all over the world very happy, as they felt it was about self-liberation or coming out or something like that. At this point, I must confess I used to try to copy Jon Bon Jovi’s Keep The Faith hairstyle in school, and it actually looked good on me too. Fuck all that; Bon Jovi later made another song called “Bounce”, which I suspect was about shampoo. Remember, there’s only one good “It’s My Life”, and it’s by Dr Alban. Eeets Mai Laaif! Yeah, that one.
_______________ – Atif Aslam
Fill in that blank with the title of any song by Atif Aslam and I’ll tell you why it sucks. Because it’s by Atif Aslam. When I first heard Atif Aslam, I thought it was a young Pankaj Udhas, which is not a compliment. Atif Aslam is a bleating goat which should’ve been sacrificed many Eids ago. Halaal kiya jaye!
Bandeh – Indian Ocean
Anurag Kashyap ruined my fun by inserting Indian Ocean’s song during the end credits of “Black Friday”. I fucking detest Gandhigiri of any kind, and the word ‘bande’ makes me want to slap someone. The only people who liked that song were those who hadn’t been exposed to good music, and of course the track didn’t move Tiger Memon or any other terrorist to tears; all it did was spoil the movie. Anyway, I’m happy because it proved yet again that Hindi rock sucks and is likely to always keep sucking.
Waka Waka – Shakira
Yikes! This was the theme song for what? Right. Gave the slaves something to cheer about, how sweet of everyone. Uda-la-la-la-lole-yo, uda-la-la-la-la-le-yo. First of all, I don’t like women who shake their hips like that because I can’t check their ass out properly. Secondly, Shakira sings like a raand.
Vande Mataram – AR Rahman
This man raped the National Song and most of you liked/loved it? Obviously, none of you know how sweet the original thing sounds. How you people can bear his “amma tujhe salaam” bellow is something only you can answer. Allah Rakha Rahman sings like an overturned calf begging for its throat to be slit.
BONUS TRACK
The Airtel Theme
Airtel got itself the worst deal on the planet. Paid crores to AR Rahman and got this crap tune which isn’t even a tune. A bunch of musical notes thrown together do not a tune make. What happened was that this bad music was played everywhere all the time and people got used to it. Let me tell you, it is the most non-musical thing I’ve ever heard, it’s incomplete and painful to listen to. You want to hear a really good tune? A tiny yet complete piece of music? Try and remember the Doordarshan theme, it’s actually very nice and gloomy. I dedicate this post to the people at Airtel and CWG who paid through their asses for trash from Rahman. Congrats, you’ve been had.
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