World, You’ve Got Your Revenge

An April Fool joke I played on my fellow metalheads last year turned on me this morning. It’s been a fortnight since I last smoked hash, and the clouds in my head cleared and presented my mind with a horrific nightmare.

I was chilling at Anjuna Beach, and Metallica was playing live. No, that’s not the nightmare! Listen on…

Imagine that – ‘Tallica playing live on Anjuna Beach in Goa, no less.

So, the legendary Metallica was on a tiny stage facing Curlie’s with their backs towards the sea. The Anjuna sea is gorgeous, but it was late in the evening and so, very dark.

The crowd was huddled together on the steps of Curlie’s, that infamous shack, but wasn’t like a Metallica audience in any way. No screaming, no headbanging, no cussing – just cheering and clapping between songs.

Then it hit me that Metallica had become so predictable – everyone had seen videos of their shows and everyone knew exactly what was going to happen when. I even knew at which point James Hetfield was going to exclaim, “J-yeah!”

Anyway, I wasn’t excited at all and started pacing up and down like I do all the time. Then I felt like taking a shit and found myself in a posh loo… naked. Just when I was about to let go of the unwanted, I heard the opening notes to Enter Sandman. Then it really hit me – the greatest band in the world was performing at Anjuna Beach in Goa to a select crowd, and there I was, taking a dump while they launched into the opening cut of the greatest heavy metal album ever.

Bas, that’s it – then I woke up feeling very ashamed of myself.

Even my nightmares are so classy that I feel like the protagonist of Satyajit Ray’s Nayak.

ALSO READ: Cocaine Spawned Dream

Satan’s Bollywood Predictions

May 20, 2009

Last Saturday, Lord Satan appeared to me in a dream and said, “Hey!”. I said, “Hey bhagwaan! What’s up?”, and the good Lord proceeded to tell me which Hindi movies I should look forward to in the near future.

Now, I take The Devil very seriously, the way some of you take your gods. In fact, I bet no one comes in your dreams every fortnight to warn you about movies that are going to suck and tell you how to kick everyone’s ass.

The first movie The Horned God told me about is SRK. Before you half-wit Shahrukh fans jump to conclusions – SRK is a Vinay Pathak film that was made last year but is yet to be released. It’s going to be very, very different from the bullshit that’s been released in the last few months. The music is by Illaiyaraja (Rahman’s baap), and everything about this movie seems pleasant, and Ninad Kamath is also very watchable in SRK. If you agree with me and Lord Satan, speak up now and you get some of my aam-ras.

The Prince Of The North then told me about a movie called Saluun, which has Gaurav Kapoor and Murali Sharma. Kapoor’s saloon gets picked up by the municipality and he wants to exact revenge on the corrupt officials. Satan, Prince Of Darkness says we will get to see pappukangi Razak Khan giving a truly memorable performance. Meaning, no ninja chacha kind of stuff, just decent acting. If you agree with me and Lord Satan, speak up now and you’ll get to hang out with me once a week for a month.

The Lord Of This World then spoke highly of a Rajit Kapur – Manisha Koirala film that’s on its way. Rajit Kapur, the fabulous actor we know as Byomkesh Bakshi, plays a gay man. Manisha Koirala plays a prostitute, and it seems she’s got an exciting role after a long time. Father Satan says Rajit Kapur’s performance will be so perfect that gay groups everywhere will be overjoyed to see Kapur not playing the stereotype, and just being very convincing. If you agree with me and Lord Satan, speak up now and I’ll tell you some cool stuff about myself. Remember, place your bets now and win unexciting prizes!

The Unholy One didn’t want to talk about commercial flicks like Jashan, so I enquired about a 25-minute black-and-white film that most of you god-fearing lot will never have the privilege of enjoying. Satan, Ruler Of Earth said he had been waiting for a thrilling black-and-white movie of this kind for years, and he was blown away when he saw it. He said the name meant ‘drop’, and like a fool I blurted out, “Boond“.

Now he was damn pissed off because it was supposed to be a top secret, and announced, “Main teri bund maar doonga!”, but I pleaded with him to skip the initiation ceremony. Anyway, get your hands on this black-and-white gem when it comes out, and think of me and Lord Satan when you tell yourself what a great little movie it is.

I felt so enlightened upon hearing all this that I promptly broke a coconut in front of King Satan’s leather boots, but he thought we were playing a game and kicked it right back at me, leaving my face in ruins.

If anyone agrees with every single thing that’s been written above, speak up now, and Shaitan ki kasam, I’ll buy you an excellent dinner and alcoholic drinks! Shaitan Zindabad!

Coming soon… God Bless Satan

DISCLAIMER: The author has been having these dreams since he quit drinking and hopes his fellow Satanists have their sense of humour intact.

From my Buzz18 blog “Lashkar-E-Shaitan”