10
Feb
10

Tandoori Chick

As performed by “Exhumation” on the album “For Personal Consumption Only”

What’s today?
My lucky day
Cute chick’s lost her way

Shorts and top
Petite sex bomb
Disturbing my poor tool

Marinated then pushed
Inside the waiting tandoor
She must be eaten
Ass first

Garnished to doom
To the gaping tandoor
Rotate the skewer
Occasionally

Chick Tikka Masala
And Butter Chick
All the ladies say
I’m a Cunt Roll freak

Of the Jaljeera
I take a sip
Forcing salt and lime juice
Into the slits

Spices aplenty
Fucking tasty Indian dish
Ginger-garlic paste
Rubbed onto the clit

Marinated then pushed
Inside the waiting tandoor
She will be eaten
Ass first


09
Feb
10

Exhumation’s New Bassist

Guess who’s playing bass for us at Resurrection @ Marimba Lounge on February 18th. Leave a comment if you know his name or what he’s popularly known as and you’ll get a quarter of Antiquity Rare whisky or two 650 ml. bottles of Tuborg beer before the gig!

08
Feb
10

Review: Van Diemen’s Land (2009)

By Devdutt Nawalkar
Directed by Jonathan auf der Heide
Actors: Oscar Redding
“Hunger is a strange silence”
Some years ago, I read ‘The Fatal Shore’, Robert Hughes’ seminal work on the establishment of the penal colonies that came to be called Australia. It was a remarkable piece of literature, one gathered from the historical record, and tracing the journey of convicts and other undesirables from the zealous assizes and overflowing prisons of the Old Country to the newly discovered land in the nether regions of the world. The inhuman conditions of transport, first encounters with the aboriginal natives, the terms set for ones freedom, folk tales and legends – ‘The Fatal Shore’ gave a succinct picture of the evolution of the fiercely independent, competitive, and often misunderstood, Australian character.
Van Diemen’s Land, written and directed by Jonathan auf der Heide, is a movie centered around one such legend. Based in the Tasmanian (previously known as Van Diemen’s Land, named after some bureacrat) wilderness of 1822, it tells the story of a group of convicts that fled their shackles in search of the fabled and fertile eight districts. Their initial levity, however, is gravely tested as they come to grips with the harsh, unchartered, and unforgiving landscape. It rains, it snows, the wind is biting cold, the rivers are angry torrents -indeed, there is a memorable line before one such boiling rapid: “That river there is one for an angry man.” Left to their devices with no hope in sight, they succumb to a paradoxical form of cabin fever amidst the vast, green expanse, letting mistrust take seed and bloom. They try to live off the land initially but food is almost mockingly sparse. Trapped between all-pervading hunger and  fast-receding hope, they turn to cannibalism, weeding out the weak and the hesitant.
Van Diemen’s Land is told from the perspective of one Alexander Pearce, played by Oscar Redding. Pearce was eventually caught and hanged sometime in the 1800s, however his accounts of cannibalism were dismissed as so many tall tales by a culture still governed by Victorian proprieties. The movie itself doesn’t allow us to get well-acquainted with the characters; instead choosing them as props against a backdrop of the dormant inhumanity that lurks within us all. The no-name cast handles the parts well though, admittedly, there isn’t much to be done here.
Pearce soliloquies, in Irish, throughout the movie. His monologue is the sole link we have to the ravaged minds of these miserables. The narration is laden with insight into the mind’s darkest recesses, and frustration with an indifferent God. On an occasion when the resident priest among the lot (Mathers) expresses his resentment on being asked to carry the “crumbs”, Pearce muses, “Mathers has a pure heart still, but Dalton’s flesh rots his teeth.” In a way, the movie refrains from judging these men; it merely posits that stretched far enough, there is space for the unmentionable within us all. However, in the absence of all social mores and structures, when we’re reduced to our basest, do our ideas of good and evil even hold credence?
Jonathan auf der Heide shows a huge Terrence Malick and Herzog influence here. The wide screen, lingering and contemplative shots of the forest canopy, the dependence on monologue as a tool for examining conscience, the sounds of nature, etc – he has obviously studied Malick’s work, especially The Thin Red Line. Van Diemen’s Land is stark, repressive but never anything other than beautiful to look at. auf der Heide doesn’t take the movie’s grim subject matter as a warrant for exploitation; there are few, if any, explicit images of cannibalism. To an extent, it deprives the movie of a certain visceral punch. But I can gel with the director’s mindset.
Van Diemen’s Land isn’t a movie for everybody. It’s bleak, sports little cheer, has no standout performances to speak of, and doesn’t have a road to travel or a resolution to meet. As a meditation on the darker aspects of humanity, however, it is a worthwhile investment.
Rating: 3/5
05
Feb
10

The Quoted Tongue #3

I’m too brutal to smoke.

Devdutt Nawalkar breaks it to the tobacco lobby.

04
Feb
10

The Drunk Bitch

Illustration by Ashwin Dutt <> Text & Concept by Aditya Mehta

03
Feb
10

Did You Hear About The Organs?

It’s enough to put a man off meat, I swear. After the Z Machine gig two weeks back, a friend and I were ravenous and took a detour on the way back home and stopped at a roadside stall near Bandra Station at 2 a.m. We were delighted to find only organ meats being served and ordered a plate of every thing. It’s not a big deal; I’ve enjoyed eating liver (mutton better than chicken), have had ribs, skin, gizzard, udders, and even brains. This time though, I don’t know what went wrong. Neither my friend nor I could take more than a bite of the liver. We made faces while tasting the kidney and spat out the tongue. My pal refused to pay and staged a walkout when I jokingly asked if he wanted to taste goat testicles. I have no beef with organ-eaters, but there’s no way I can stomach the damn stuff anymore. Karela and baingan, please.

(No pics have been published here out of consideration for my vegetarian readers)

02
Feb
10

Songs I Hate – 1

Of course you’ve heard music that makes you want to shoot the artist dead, here’s some songs that make me cringe and slap people who put on this shit expecting to please me. In no particular order because they all suck.

Teenager In Love – Red Hot Chili Peppers

The favourite band of pseudo-intellectual yuppies, RHCP have made some fantastic music for most of their career. I had a tiny bit of respect for them because they kicked my brown ass with songs like “Give It Away” and “Under The Bridge”. Till I joined a stupid advertising firm where one almost-fat idiot would play Teenager In Love. This chubby boy played that song twice a day for all of the nine days I was there, and RHCP is responsible in a big way for making me walk out of that place, never to return. “Teenager In Love” sounds like a happy “Last Kiss”, the only difference being Last Kiss is a good song. I bet Red Hot Chili Peppers started to suck after most of them went clean, which goes to show that crazy rockers should remain crazy and never sober up. Want another example? Listen to the stupid chorus on Snow, just pay attention to what Anthony Keidis is singing there. Go back to wearing socks on stage, Tony, even though I don’t care about seeing you or any of your cheese-ass bandmates in the buff. Your new music is not my aeroplane.

Stand Up For Your Right – Bob Marley

Don’t tell me any of you take this guy seriously. A stoner hippie who played the same reggae chords over and over again, and that awful chorus on “Buffalo Soldier”. For some time I liked “Legalize It”, but even that started sounding lame when I figured toking was the only thing Bob Marley was passionate about. “Stand Up For Your Right”, my ass. If Bob had half a brain, he would’ve got that wound on his leg treated instead of lying down and smoking spliffs and eventually dying of gangrene. Anyway, if that hadn’t happened, the sheriff would’ve shot him.

Jiya Se Jiya – A R Rahman

I can’t complain about the music here, Rahman has a way with beats and tunes but he should give up trying to become a vocalist. The most painfully annoying voice around is not a good topping for very good music. Right from the moment “Jiya Se Jiya” begins, I want to assassinate A R Rahman. I don’t care how many international awards he picks up (whether he deserves them or not is another thing), Allah Rakha Rahman should quit trying to push himself as a singer. Does anyone remember that terrible rendition of “Vande Mataram”? I still can’t get over how poorly he did it.

Just An Illusion – Imagination

When your infant refuses to sleep at night, just put this on and you’ll be lulling it into a fucking coma. I’ve heard this plenty of times at Toto’s Garage, and every time it has made me want to throw my overpriced beer on someone. The chorus gets repeated around 50 times in the song and I when I close my eyes in that drunk state, I can only think of ten fat, black chicks with permed hair singing like buffaloes in unison. For the longest time, I thought this was INXS at their creative worst, but then I found out “Just An Illusion” is by Imagination. Guess what the band lacks?

I Will Survive – Gloria Gaynor

The most famous and the worst heartbreak song ever. Every chick who’s had her heart newly broken, and even some guys who got rejected by the college hottie will be moving to this shit after a few pegs. I really don’t mind hot women gyrating to “I Will Survive” or anything else, but ugly, fat chicks grooving to this track seems fitting. Had Gloria Gaynor taken a good look in the mirror before heading to that nightclub, she wouldn’t have had to sing this crap.

There are plenty of bad songs around, these are just the ones that have been pissing me off in recent times. I’m sick of writing this shit, and by the time this gets published, I’ll have watched Z Machine live at The Blue Frog and will have killed the neighbourhood with Last Days Of Humanity. Noise!




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